Hi All,
My son is 9 years old and I'm not exactly sure what to tell him about the RNY surgery I'll be having in January. I have included him in some of the preparation I've been doing...healthier diet, drinking water, swimming every day, taking "health" classes (my pre-op classes) etc; I'm just not sure what to tell him about the surgery itself?! I don't want him to think everyone needs to have their stomach surgically altered to maintain a healthy weight. I have been very open with friends at church and work about the surgery and I don't want someone to ask Jesse about it and have him find out that way. Any suggestions?
Thanks,
Darien
Full Version: What do we tell the children?
I ran into something like this with my nieces and nephews. I told them that I had trouble losing weight normally and wanted to be healthy for everyone and so had a surgery that would help me do that. For the youngest, it was - I have a really big owie and can't pick you up for awhile and you can't jump on me or hit my butt for a little while. I had to show them the owie and got lots of little kisses to make me feel better. They also really liked my little meals and so we wound up making lots of them as they would eat mine and want more! Just be honest with him, up to you how much detail. I was given a pillow with a picture that the older ones could look at and see.
You are the only one that can gauge his reaction. It all depends on his maturity level. I think you should say something to make sure he doesn't find out inadverdantly by someone else. Just let him know that you are doing this for your health and don't let him hear anything negative. Children are very intuitive. If you are scared, he will be too. If you are excited and looking forward to it, he will be fine.
Congratulations on your upcoming surgery and I wish you the best.
Congratulations on your upcoming surgery and I wish you the best.
This is a GREAT discussion. When I had my weight loss surgery, my kids were very involved in the process and in helping with my care. They were such a part of it that this section of the neighborhood, The Family Table, was set up at my request! 
I had four kids at the time of my surgery (we were expecting our fifth). At that time their ages were Brandon 15, Kristin 12, Dale 8, and Melanie 6. We told them pretty much about what was going on. The one thing I wish I had done differently was to prepare them for when people who did not have the courtesy to speak directly with me, spoke with my kids to inquire about my weight loss. I never anticipated such a scenario, and did not become aware of the questions that they were fielding until months later. Kristin came up with the best answer on her own, when asked how I was losing so much weight... "He just found a plan that works for him."
What a brilliant young lady!
Here is a link to a thread that we had some time back about our childrens' involvement in the process.
WLS and Families
If I get to see the kids tonight, I'll have each of them share some thoughts on this subject. Thanks for asking such an outstanding question!
I had four kids at the time of my surgery (we were expecting our fifth). At that time their ages were Brandon 15, Kristin 12, Dale 8, and Melanie 6. We told them pretty much about what was going on. The one thing I wish I had done differently was to prepare them for when people who did not have the courtesy to speak directly with me, spoke with my kids to inquire about my weight loss. I never anticipated such a scenario, and did not become aware of the questions that they were fielding until months later. Kristin came up with the best answer on her own, when asked how I was losing so much weight... "He just found a plan that works for him."
What a brilliant young lady!
Here is a link to a thread that we had some time back about our childrens' involvement in the process.
WLS and Families
If I get to see the kids tonight, I'll have each of them share some thoughts on this subject. Thanks for asking such an outstanding question!
My son is 10. He's very sophisticated when it comes to medical things because he has had so many surgeries and other medical experiences. When I got home he grilled me about the type of pulse-oxymeter, IV, monitor leads, did I have a "button" (for pain pump), etc. He's a hoot......I guess to him, everyone goes to the hospital now and then for surgery or "unconscious sleeping" as we call it .
He's very young in other ways (he's blind, hearing impaired, and learning disabled so development is slower for him in most ways). Like you, we had been doing alot of talking about being healthier. I had been pointing out things we were eating that were good for us, making sure he knew I had been exercising "to be healthier", and also taking him swimming or on walks so he can exercise too.
When it came to the actual surgery itself, I just told him the doctor was going to help Mom's tummy be more healthy. I told him I would need to stay in the hospital one night so I could get special medicine from my IV. We talked about my tummy being sore and how he would need to be careful (including do's and don'ts....ie. You can sit by mommy and snuggle, but I won't be able to hold you for a little while) . We talked about mom needing to rest after surgery. We did not talk about how the surgery would be done or any details how it would be done. Young kids need to know about the things that impact their routine and that they will experience (parent away from home, not being picked up,etc.).
It is probably safe to assume that your son will overhear some things about your surgery. Giving accurate information is far better than letting his imagination take over. What kids imagine can be much scarier than reality. If he is asking for details about the surgery, try and use phrases like "the doctor will make an opening" -vs "the doctor will cut me open". Just try out your words in your own head and see what images they bring up. Then you can figure out a way to say things that might not be so frightening. The other "golden rule" is to give information on a need to know basis....answer what he asks, but don't elaborate beyond that.
I've learned to trust my instincts when it comes to my son. I'll bet your instincts about what your son needs to know will be right on track.
ITM
He's very young in other ways (he's blind, hearing impaired, and learning disabled so development is slower for him in most ways). Like you, we had been doing alot of talking about being healthier. I had been pointing out things we were eating that were good for us, making sure he knew I had been exercising "to be healthier", and also taking him swimming or on walks so he can exercise too.
When it came to the actual surgery itself, I just told him the doctor was going to help Mom's tummy be more healthy. I told him I would need to stay in the hospital one night so I could get special medicine from my IV. We talked about my tummy being sore and how he would need to be careful (including do's and don'ts....ie. You can sit by mommy and snuggle, but I won't be able to hold you for a little while) . We talked about mom needing to rest after surgery. We did not talk about how the surgery would be done or any details how it would be done. Young kids need to know about the things that impact their routine and that they will experience (parent away from home, not being picked up,etc.).
It is probably safe to assume that your son will overhear some things about your surgery. Giving accurate information is far better than letting his imagination take over. What kids imagine can be much scarier than reality. If he is asking for details about the surgery, try and use phrases like "the doctor will make an opening" -vs "the doctor will cut me open". Just try out your words in your own head and see what images they bring up. Then you can figure out a way to say things that might not be so frightening. The other "golden rule" is to give information on a need to know basis....answer what he asks, but don't elaborate beyond that.
I've learned to trust my instincts when it comes to my son. I'll bet your instincts about what your son needs to know will be right on track.
ITM
OK... the kids have read the question. I have not coached them. Here are their answers and advice:
Hi, I'm Brandon, and I am 17 years old, and a Senior in High School. Here's what I did. I kept quiet about the whole thing for a few months before and after my dad's surgery. After a couple of months, people started referring to him as "The Disappearing Man." I simply told them that he was exercising more and completely quitting soda. When he saw fit to tell people, I just said that he made a huge decision that has equal advantages and consequences. That's about it. '08!
Hello, this is Kristin. I am 15 years old, and I am a Sophomore in High School. When Dad told us he was getting surgery, I was a little surprised because I only saw him as my Dad. However, when he told me exactly what he would be like afterwards, I knew it was the right choice. After the surgery, I helped him in his recovery (taking him on walks, getting his food, etc.). It took a little while, but he looked great and felt ten times better than he looked! After a few months, adults who felt too uncomfortable to ask my dad about his amazing weight loss thought that asking the kids was the best idea. Watch out for that. If you need to say anything, just say she found a health choice that worked for her. Good luck!
Hey there. I am Dale, and I will turn 11 next week. I'm in the fifth grade. When my dad told me he was going to get sugery I was scared when he told me what was going to happen, and the effect of it. It was really hard not to tell anybody exept for my closest friends. But I knew that the sugery was best for him. After the sugery it was a little harder because my dad was losing so much weight so fast. If any one was to ask us about our dad we made up exuses like, " My dad is just on a big diet. But as my dad stopped losing weight he shaved his beard and mustache, so it would kinda go along with it. Anyway it got a lot easier when we got used to it. '08! (for elementary school).
Greetings to all my fans. I am Melanie a 9-year old third grader, and my dad had surgery. He doesn't have drinks with his meals. He sometimes goes for walks. We let him rest for awhile. Good luck! P.S. I am not graduating any thing.
Jack here... Dad is helping me take my turn. I'm 2-1/2 years old, and I was living in Mommy's tummy when Dad had his alleged surgery. I think it is all a hoax. I think Dad has always looked like this. The other kids are just messing with my mind.
OK... MeanOldUncleJeff here. I did not adequately anticipate the fears that the kids had prior to my surgery, nor did I anticipate the pressures that they would face from people asking them about me after my surgery. I think that the pre-surgery fears are good as they needed to understand that it was something serious. In hindsight, I would probably have made my surgery public knowledge as soon as I went home, if for nothing else than to shield the kids from the questions. I hope that some of this helps.
Hi, I'm Brandon, and I am 17 years old, and a Senior in High School. Here's what I did. I kept quiet about the whole thing for a few months before and after my dad's surgery. After a couple of months, people started referring to him as "The Disappearing Man." I simply told them that he was exercising more and completely quitting soda. When he saw fit to tell people, I just said that he made a huge decision that has equal advantages and consequences. That's about it. '08!
Hello, this is Kristin. I am 15 years old, and I am a Sophomore in High School. When Dad told us he was getting surgery, I was a little surprised because I only saw him as my Dad. However, when he told me exactly what he would be like afterwards, I knew it was the right choice. After the surgery, I helped him in his recovery (taking him on walks, getting his food, etc.). It took a little while, but he looked great and felt ten times better than he looked! After a few months, adults who felt too uncomfortable to ask my dad about his amazing weight loss thought that asking the kids was the best idea. Watch out for that. If you need to say anything, just say she found a health choice that worked for her. Good luck!
Hey there. I am Dale, and I will turn 11 next week. I'm in the fifth grade. When my dad told me he was going to get sugery I was scared when he told me what was going to happen, and the effect of it. It was really hard not to tell anybody exept for my closest friends. But I knew that the sugery was best for him. After the sugery it was a little harder because my dad was losing so much weight so fast. If any one was to ask us about our dad we made up exuses like, " My dad is just on a big diet. But as my dad stopped losing weight he shaved his beard and mustache, so it would kinda go along with it. Anyway it got a lot easier when we got used to it. '08! (for elementary school).
Greetings to all my fans. I am Melanie a 9-year old third grader, and my dad had surgery. He doesn't have drinks with his meals. He sometimes goes for walks. We let him rest for awhile. Good luck! P.S. I am not graduating any thing.
Jack here... Dad is helping me take my turn. I'm 2-1/2 years old, and I was living in Mommy's tummy when Dad had his alleged surgery. I think it is all a hoax. I think Dad has always looked like this. The other kids are just messing with my mind.
OK... MeanOldUncleJeff here. I did not adequately anticipate the fears that the kids had prior to my surgery, nor did I anticipate the pressures that they would face from people asking them about me after my surgery. I think that the pre-surgery fears are good as they needed to understand that it was something serious. In hindsight, I would probably have made my surgery public knowledge as soon as I went home, if for nothing else than to shield the kids from the questions. I hope that some of this helps.
Goodness Jeff your kids are absolutely wonderful! I hope you let them know it often!
Darien, I am not yet a mom. I didn't have kids to worry about informing about my decision. However my MIL had the surgery about 4 years prior to me. She didn't tell my hubby before hand because they were arguing at the time. We found out after the fact while she was recovering in the hospital. It was hard on him to have been left out. I gather that you want to include Jesse in this but the question is how much to tell him. Right?
I don't have the answer to that one but here are some of my thoughts for you to ponder.
* How has he taken the info you've given him so far? How has he reacted to the changes you are already making?
* Is he the type of kid who would freak out more to the unknown aspects of it all or to knowing what was happening?
* How do you want him to respond to the inevitable questions he will get from people who are too uncomfortable to ask you directly?
* Do you want him to get the facts from you or half truths or misconceptions from others?
These are just the things I would take into concideration if I were in your shoes....hope it helps.
Darien, I am not yet a mom. I didn't have kids to worry about informing about my decision. However my MIL had the surgery about 4 years prior to me. She didn't tell my hubby before hand because they were arguing at the time. We found out after the fact while she was recovering in the hospital. It was hard on him to have been left out. I gather that you want to include Jesse in this but the question is how much to tell him. Right?
I don't have the answer to that one but here are some of my thoughts for you to ponder.
* How has he taken the info you've given him so far? How has he reacted to the changes you are already making?
* Is he the type of kid who would freak out more to the unknown aspects of it all or to knowing what was happening?
* How do you want him to respond to the inevitable questions he will get from people who are too uncomfortable to ask you directly?
* Do you want him to get the facts from you or half truths or misconceptions from others?
These are just the things I would take into concideration if I were in your shoes....hope it helps.
Hi Darien!
I'm not sure about this....my son was the same age when I had my RNY. I debated whether to tell him or not because i DID NOT want him to worry that I was going to die on the table. But then at the last minute..the night before to be exact. I told him that mommy was going to have a simple surgery. It was going to help me lose weight and get healthy again. I promised him I would be ok and that I would see him right after. I also shared with him about how he loves for me to run and play with him and that as the weight comes off...I would be in better shape to do all the things we love to do together. To this day...he STILL goes walking with me. Well, I walk fast and he skateboards...but now we also do all the things that I said we would only I dont get WORN OUT SO EASILY!
I changed my mind to tell him because I wanted him to know that I wasnt afraid and I also wanted him to know how excited I was to get healthy!!
I like you had talked about it so much before that he already had a clue as to what was going on...believe me...they HEAR EVERYTHING! lol..
So GOOD LUCK! You will know when the time is right. My husband was there with me...we were all lying on my bed....I will always remember that night too! Even though I was a little nervous...I was more excited! And here I am....almost 4 years later...living life and doing the things that I always dreamed of....and definitley NOT LETTING ANY GRASS GROW UNDER MY FEET!
Julie
I'm not sure about this....my son was the same age when I had my RNY. I debated whether to tell him or not because i DID NOT want him to worry that I was going to die on the table. But then at the last minute..the night before to be exact. I told him that mommy was going to have a simple surgery. It was going to help me lose weight and get healthy again. I promised him I would be ok and that I would see him right after. I also shared with him about how he loves for me to run and play with him and that as the weight comes off...I would be in better shape to do all the things we love to do together. To this day...he STILL goes walking with me. Well, I walk fast and he skateboards...but now we also do all the things that I said we would only I dont get WORN OUT SO EASILY!
I changed my mind to tell him because I wanted him to know that I wasnt afraid and I also wanted him to know how excited I was to get healthy!!
I like you had talked about it so much before that he already had a clue as to what was going on...believe me...they HEAR EVERYTHING! lol..
So GOOD LUCK! You will know when the time is right. My husband was there with me...we were all lying on my bed....I will always remember that night too! Even though I was a little nervous...I was more excited! And here I am....almost 4 years later...living life and doing the things that I always dreamed of....and definitley NOT LETTING ANY GRASS GROW UNDER MY FEET!
Julie
You Guys are so encouraging and helpful!
I'm grateful for the advice, it will really help me decide what to tell Jesse.
MOUJ, please tell the kids thanks so much from me!
I appreciate their insight; and I am perhaps Melanie's biggest fan! :-)
I'm so happy I found all of you in this wonderful neighborhood!
Have a wonderful day!
Darien
I'm grateful for the advice, it will really help me decide what to tell Jesse.
MOUJ, please tell the kids thanks so much from me!
I appreciate their insight; and I am perhaps Melanie's biggest fan! :-)
I'm so happy I found all of you in this wonderful neighborhood!
Have a wonderful day!
Darien
I'm a big fan of letting the kids know everything that's going to happen. I'm an equally big fan of saying it so it doesn't scare them. In my experience this makes a world of difference. For example, saying "The doctor will put mommy to sleep." May seem perfectly appropriate, but any kid that had a dog or cat put to sleep is going to get frightened. Instead saying, "The doctor will give mommy medicine so she doesn't feel the pain while s/he operates." is understood. Think of the touch-points that are specific to him and figure out how to respond should the questions arrive. No matter what you do it will all work out, though, since nothing trumps love.
QUOTE
No matter what you do it will all work out, though, since nothing trumps love.
John you are a treasure. Just had to let you know.
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