Just joined today and i see all these great posts but not many from men. Would be great to form a little group of us to talk about our issues. I think WLS is a little different for men then women in the spouse aspect. As a woman looses weight (most) husbands are like hubba hubba and very suportive. As a man looses weight the wife becomes more insecure and thinks ( he is going to leave me). I have had this myself and still have issues dealing with it.

My biggest problems were things my wife said that stuck in the back of my mind. She never said these things to be mean, just honest. Examples...... Im not attracted to men who are smaller then me. Your getting to vein i thought you did this for health reason. Now 2 years after WLS i look back and see how these things impacted me greatly. I also see where I made mistakes listening to them. Biggest problem now is im past the honeymoon time and i have gained back 35 pounds. We have got past MOST of these issues but when looking back i see exactly when my weight loss stopped. For those who havent figured that out yet it was when i weighed less then her. Kind of funny how i still am about 10 pounds above her.

I really need to get my head past this and get on with it but thats just not that easy. For those of you who were always bigger then the norm you know how nice it is to be (looked at) by the opposite sex h*ll for a while i didnt care if it was the same sex as long as i got THAT look.I want to like what i see in the mirror again. Its sad when your 42 years old and for the first time look in the mirror and LIKE what you see.

So any men out here having the same problems maybe we can help each other.

Welcome Adam! There is an actual "Men's Forum" here in the 'hood. Several guys are out there, but darn it...they seem to get buried with all of us chatty gals.

Damien is in S.Calif...he's a cyclist, John had Lapband done, Michael is an RnY guy that has done incredible, MOUJ is brother to our Founder, Kaye an he is LIVING every single day in an amazing way. Jeff and BigMike post off and on. Stu in Canada used to be here all of the time, but I think he's busy with his business. Gosh boys...if I've forgotten any of you, I do apologize!

Keep posting Adam!

Adam B...my son is Adam B...Welcome to the neighborhood!
I never thought about how different WLS would be for a man. You do have different issues than we girls.
Kim mentioned the men's forum. You will find it in the Town Square. Maybe, if you PM some of the guys Kim named you can get that forum to be more active. You fellows definitely need to support each other. Kim forgot Doug, who just had his RNY a week ago. His member name is: 2a5t2f7 .
Best wishes as you attempt to get the guys to be more active.

Hey Adam

I just joined today - And I know the feeling. While I am not in "straight" relationship - I have suffered from the same issues.

I had my surgery on 12/16/04. I started out at a weight for 423lbs. After the first three months, (weight approx 315 lbs) my partner at the time (who I had been together with for 8 years) began to give very vicious in his words. Talking about how fast I was losing weight, and how unattractive I had become being thinner. Even though other people were telling me how great I looked. He made me feel like I was unattractive. At the 6 month mark (at approx 275 lbs) we went out to dinner. A girl that I was going to school with stopped me in the resturant and made a comment about my weight lost. When we got home, He beat the crap out of me. Stating I was flirting with her, and that I was going to leave him.

Well he was right - - I did leave. And for a year I refused to see anyone. I felt like I was unattractive and that I had made the biggest mistake of my life by having the surgery. I still lost the weight. In March 2006 (at 205 lbs.) I met another person. I was fully upfront with him about my surgery and the weight-loss. He was very supportive at first. He would even go to the gym with me and work-out. But after a few months he encouraged me not to go to they gym anymore. He said it cut into our time together. So I quit going. Within 6 months he too was saying that I was getting to thin (like you said this was at the point when I weighted less than him). And he eventually left in September 2007.

Since his depature I have put on about 40 lbs. And now I am totally depressed. I feel like I have let myself down and been a failure at the surgery. But then today I was watching THE VIEW, and one of the people on there mentioned this site. I think now I can get back on track.

Well hope this helps someone else who has gone through relationship problems after the surgery.

First of all, a hearty welcome to Adam and Paul. It is nice to see more men in the group!!!

Second, I have not been around much lately as my business is booming and I'm having trouble finding the right people to hire, so I'm working for two these days.

Adam, I too am 42 years old and married. I have five great kids and a wonderful wife. I guess I am very fortunate in that my wife has never been anything but supportive during my weight loss. She feels like it saved my life. I too now weigh less than her. She claims that she sees women checking me out these days, but I think she is crazy.

Some neat things have happened with us since my surgery. We both grew up in "don't leave the table until you clean up your plate" families. We both always felt that when we went to dinner we had to eat every crumb on our plates, and if we fixed too much dinner, we had to eat until it was done. After all, what about those poor children in China we used to hear about when we were kids? Now, she regularly eats about half of her food at dinner, and we've learned how to eat leftovers when there is too much food. We do all kinds of family activities together now that we didn't do before my surgery.

I don't know what to advise you about your wife. Just keep letting her know that you love her and only her. A good marriage is well worth fighting for!

Best of luck to all of you, and don't be strangers around here!

Well Paul I'm glad ya joined, Sounds like that fellow was rather insecure and not worth your time anyways. My wife and i have been together 25 years this may married 23 in Sept 08. She is a full figured gal and i wouldn't trade her for the world!!!. But i so don't like myself now as i feel i have failed at yet something else. Maybe together we can both kill the demons and move on. Feel free to drop me a email also anytime. adamb@icce.com.

I am sure when you get feeling better about yourself again the men will be beating down your door. I on the other hand just wanna look and the mirror an say damn I'm hot!!!

To everyone else i will look for the men's thread, its nice to chat with like individuals.

Hey Adam...I think that you and MOUJ posted at the same moment...did you get to see his post? Don't want for you to miss it!

I see that, My wife and i have it all worked out now and we hope to get her done someday also. We could afford a band from Mexico but she wants RNY like i have and wont go out of country. Sadly Blue cross of idaho SUCKS. I had blue cross of minnisota as i worked for Schwans Home deliver.

I have to get back into ME mode thats very hard. I am the chief cook around here. I also need to NOT eat if i am NOT hungry. Has anyone else dealt with HORRIBLE cravings? My worst was a saltine cracker with butter. Thank god im past that one now i only crave cheese i know some morning i am gonna have a tail!!!!

I tried to add my profile but it wont let me so if anyone has Yahoo msger I am Guardianslayer1 send me a invite incase ya havent noticed i love to chat

Welcome Adam. I was 50 before I could say that. Success in this area is a tough thing
to trust, too for those of us who have spent most of our lives obsessing over
weight issues; losing and regaining hundreds of lbs. You'll find a real respect for
the tool we've been given. Ask lots of questions. There is an enormous amount of
great information here in the Neighborhood.
And keep after those other guys! There are some great guys in the Neighborhood!

Adam, since you have Blue Cross of Idaho, does that mean that you live in Idaho?

(I had Blue Cross of South Carolina for years while living in Florida)

My craving is chocolate, which is strange because I never ate much candy or chocolate before my surgery. My body probably craves chocolate as a way to try to get me to send it the sugar that used to be in the Mountain Dew that I no longer drink by the gallon!

Anyway, if so, we have one more thing in common. I have pretty deep Idaho roots, and graduated from high school in Challis, Idaho. Regardless, we are glad you are here, and hope you'll become one of our regulars.

Ahh yes we live just out of Spirit Lk (North of CDA)

I find it weird prior to surgery i LOVED spam and hated avacodo's an tomato's now spam make me want to hurl and i love the other 2. I do need to quit rationalising some of my choices. My worst is the Hey its protien so im ok......Trail Mix with nuts, large amounts of cheese hehe. I am amazed that with the small amounts i eat that prior to WSL i didnt weigh 800 pounds!!

I am sure i will do much better now that i have a suport group here. Since i didnt do so well i wont go back to group untill i drop atleast what i gained back. I know its stupid but we all KNOW what everyone will think ( WOW he got FAT)

Adam...I remember my trail mix phase...I was talking about it to Kaye and she, very politely, said, "I'm from cattle country...ya know what we feed our cattle to fatten them up, don't you?" Let me tell you, I dropped that bag of trail mix/granola into the trash as fast as I could. I was NOT going to become a big fat cow!

Stop grazing and eat three meals per day. Try the 5DPT...make some changes. Take control and quit going through the "I shoulda..." Instead...say, "I'm going to..."

Keep posting...we're going to hold you accountable! What is step number one (besides coming here!)???

Hello Adam and Paul,

Yes there are other guys here I was actually the 4th member of the neighborhood and was given the title of godfather of the Neihborhood. We do have a Men and Wieghtloss surgery forum but dont see much going on there. If you wish my story is in the library for you to read if interested.

Welcome.

Adam
OMG Trail mix or Granola is sooo full of calories!! Worst thing you could eat besides white bread maybe! Cheese not bad in moderation. Seriously though I would tell your wife that you need some positive reinforcement and not insecurity. If you wanted to be with someone else you would be but that isn't what you want obviously. Also I believe it is way easier to get RNY approved than it is to get a Lap band approved. I have Independance Blue Cross and got my approval, after all of the required tests, in 2 days! Tell her to go for it!
PS: Can't you add your wife to your insurance plan?

Our mates whether male of female can have such an effect on us whether intentionally or not. If they are somewhat insecure to begin with, huge changes in you can exacerbate the problem. The insecurity can come about for many many reasons and at any time during the relationship. I started dating my DH the 2nd year after WLS. He was always suppotive, even when i gained 30 lbs. He really helped my to get it back off. But when he had is first heart attack in 2004 just before he turned 56, everything changed. He was afraid I was going to leave him for someone younger. I am 17 years his junior. Nothing I did seemed to ease his fears. I know why he was afaid and what he was afraid of now that he has been called home. At the time though we had so much miscommunication or lack of any communication that we each were left to our own interpretations. If I had known what I know now I would have changed many things.

When a woman to weigh more than her man she can feel many things that make her insecure. She might feel less safe in his arms because she is bigger. Many times this is a subconscious thing because most women are programmed to feel protected by thier men. She probably feels less sexy which makes her feel threatend by others looking at you. With all the propaganda out there about how much and what everyone is supposed to eat she cannot understand how you can survive on so little food and calories so she is worried out your health.

I know men typically do not like to "talk". Heck I am a woman and I don't like to "talk" but it's important to do so. It is of utmost importance to try to understand why your mate is behaving the way he/ she is. Don't just think you know because let me tell ya, we see the world from our eyes and our own motivations. We interpret things based on that. Your mate does the same thing so what ends up happening is you both feel like the other doesn't love you anymore. You both end up with conclusions that are at total opposite poles. You fix this by truely talking and working to understand where each other is comming from. So many times the issue resolves itself this way.

Sorry to ramble. This is just one of those things I am passionate about. DH and I were so different in personality and life experience yet somehow we both strove to really understand each other. The love we had was incredible and something I wish everyone could experience.

AdamB spam is still one of my favorite foods. It was a treat when I was a kid.

Hi Adam, and any other new guys here! Welcome to the neighborhood!

In the past when the men have posted, I've tried to stay out of the thread and let them talk. I mean, you're asking, "Are there any MEN here?" and all the women jump in and say, "Oh yes! There are men here!!!" Seems like you want to hear from men, not ladies to me. So, I've tried to stay out of the mix and let the men step forward and speak to you. The truth is we don't have a lot of men on here, and they don't post a lot, but they are all wonderful guys and we care about them very much. I frankly wish they'd post more.

The stuff you bring up in this post really hit me, and in some ways hurt me. I was that woman for so long. I was always afraid that my husband couldn't truly love me because of the extra weight I carried. Now I'm much smaller than him and I can see that he struggles with his feelings sometimes, though he'd never admit it. It makes me sad to think of how many years of our relationship I wasted worrying about how I looked. He loved me through it all, just I was too insecure to see it.

I'm so glad that you posted this. Whatever happens, I hope that she will see how much you love her and that she will know peace with the demons that torment her about her body-image. Losing the weight does NOTHING to help a woman see herself as beautiful if she has body image issues.

I wish you luck and peace and joy, and I hope that you'll continue to share your story with us.

Hi Guys, Welcome to the hood!

Believe it or not, as a woman I encountered the same issue - not with a partner or spouse, but through a "friend." My story goes that we used to ALWAYS go out every Friday or Saturday. Well, after I had lost quite a bit of weight, she started getting snarky with me. A LOT. Finally, on night she got really drunk and the truth came out. It was eye-opening. She said "you used to be the fun, smart, perky, FAT girl with the pretty face." She still got all the dates, but since I had lost the weight she "couldn't compete with that."

The reason I bring this up is that the insecurities of others are THEIR issues. You need to do what is healthy for YOU. This, absolutely, is a time to be selfish! Yes, help them to get over their issues if you can, but try not to let their issues affect you. I have a hard enough time keeping control in my own life, I don't need to try to help someone else control theirs.

Someone who truly loves you (unconditionally) - your TRUE friends, are going to be supportive and happy for you! Yes, they might not know how to handle it at first, but if they don't get on board, I totally think you need to move on. That being said - Adam, I'm glad your wife came around!

A note for Paul - Paul, my best friend just came out about 2 years ago and is having a heck of a time finding a good partner (and he's never had a weight issue). My guess is that the men you were with were there because they felt "better than you" - and when you ceased being the "fat one," they didn't know how to handle it (silly boys, who wants to be the guy with the fat boyfriend? LOL!!). Obviously, they have their own issues to deal with you're better off without them! I hope you understand and BELIEVE that. So...hang in there and know that there are good men out there, they're just hard to find. (funny, that's what we women say about straight guys all the time too! LOL!)

Wow great comment on the Trail Mix, I like the one with all the dried fruit and nuts but i will consider it COW food just the same.

I never even considered the security issue with my wife. That's something i will look a little deeper into. She understands for my health i need to keep the weight off and she is now worried about what i added on.

I am going to get the stuff i need and try that 5 day test this coming week.

Kind of funny looking back i was so happy my WSL went picture perfect, nothing made me sick i almost never threw up. Worst i had was a couple blockages i had to suffer with. From the day i came home i could drink normal never had to SIP SIP. To this day the only problem i have is with pork chops and roasts cause me grief.

I would like to thank everyone here for all the input and support.

Adam and Paul, I am late to this but want to welcome you both! It is nice to have men out here that can provide the other perspective. I realize that it would be different and so it is nice that you can both provide this to others who might join. Adam, I am glad that you worked everything out with your wife and have become such an example that she wants to follow in your foot steps and get healthier as well. Just please realize, men and women lose weight differently. Be supportive and encourage her to become part of our group and to also start taking part in cooking with you. There are so many classes out there now and we offer one cookbook, soon to be two, that will help with eating healthier.

Paul, you speak to my heart. To be in a special relationship and to have the other one accuse you of flirting with someone you haven't shown any interest in and then to phyically beat you! I have been in rough relationships and can tell you that you did the right thing in getting out! Too many people are so insecure and society hasn't helped that at all. You are having enough difficulty in trying to come to grips with who you are and will be that you surely don't need that at all. Find someone who can counsel you, either a counselor or a church. You will be a better man for it, yourself and the next person you decide to share your life with.

I hope you both keep posting and sharing your thoughts!

I am a guy also.

Had surgery about 4 years ago. I was about 10 lbs from goal weight and that is when the wife said that I was getting to thin. She had surgery also and I weighed less then she did. After her getting pregnant and my eating the same thing as she did I gained around 50 lbs and then another 10 lbs when I changed job's so I can feel your pain.

But as of a couple of days ago, I am going to stop dieting and work to eat in a way that my pouch can work for me. I plan to start the 5 day fix your pouch on Monday.

I wish you all luck.

Welcome to all the "New Guys." Glad to have y'all here. Sorry, I am late to this thread. Make sure you take care of YOU.

Hey MystiMan, Welcome and sound like you've got a plan that will work.
They guys on the list are terrific and doing super. Ask lots of questions
and someone will jump right in with the help you're looking for! Looking forward
to reading more from you!